lunchbreaks | inbox | in the night

[ Ah, yes, he had read somewhere Matt preferred voice. He doesn't mind the switch. ]

Yes, most certainly. Though, I am doubtful that you will find anyone in this purgatory who can still consider himself holy enough to properly take confession.

( he absolutely does, on account of the whole blind thing. the tablets had accessibility features but like all accessibility features, they're cumbersome. )

We're in the wrong place to consider ourselves holy, I understand that. But this place is built for us to examine ourselves, isn't it? It's hard to examine in static.

( a breath. ) I understand it is asking a lot. If it would make you uncomfortable, I understand.

No, no. You are correct, we should be taking our time to reflect. I will try to be of any assistance I can offer, but I cannot guarantee you God's forgiveness, only my own.

This does not make me uncomfortable. In fact, I'm quite flattered you should have chosen me for a trust so sacred. I won't betray it.

[ Poor guy, he must be totally wracked with guilt. Sorry Matt, he's being difficult. He's not trying to be, he's just, you know. Reading out the terms and conditions. ]

( is it flattery or a sign of desperation? either way, Matt is grateful to have found an ear, even if he is leery of complete honesty. he isn't sure whether to call Aziraphale Father or not, so he just skips that part. )

I have been trying to cleanse myself of the thoughts that brought me here, to walk a better path than I did before. At first it was almost easy, but now I think I just lacked the temptation.

The second the opportunity presented itself, I didn't resist. It didn't matter that it was wrong, I did it without hesitation.

( he wouldn't be here if he didn't regret it. the creature had been beside itself, he'd been needlessly vicious and the risk had only been theoretical at best. Matt isn't surprised or even ashamed of his desire to protect someone. it's more how easily and destructively he leapt at the opportunity to hurt another being. )

My dear boy, I don't know what you could've possibly done that you think is so terrible.

If you would like guidance, to step away from this path, I might be able to assist you, but I will need to know what it is in order to help.

I understand it is a personal matter, but the offer is open if you are ever ready to take it.

( it is an uncomfortable balance, what he can say and what he can't. Matt is still distinctly hiding what he can do, and saying too much will give that way.

but he can't confess if he doesn't admit what sin he committed, now can he? )

I laid hands on something with the intent to hurt. More than intent, I succeeded. It was a spirit, agitated after the alarm went off. It was intending to attack but it was still beside itself.

I knew that, and moreover I could have stopped sooner, and I didn't.

( suffice to say he didn't come to confession because he thought unpurely or envied his neighbor... )

[ He's. Slightly confused.

He waits a little because he's expecting more. But there isn't more. ]

You were protecting yourself, Matt.

[ He's almost afraid to ask, but after a pause, he does: ]

Did you kill it?

I wasn't. It wasn't attacking me.

( it was threatening someone else, and damn it, that almost sounds valiant!! NOoOOoo this is a sin, damn it!!! )

I don't think so, but I don't know for sure. It doesn't change that I used more force than necessary on a creature that was not intentionally hostile. Or that I chose to go back to violence, when I know that's what brought me here.

It was attacking someone, was it not?

Have you asked that person what they think of the situation?

Where is the spirit? Perhaps I could help nurse it back to health.

[ He takes pause. ]

If you seek penance, Matt, you could help me. We could save the spirit, and perhaps that will be enough.

I don't have to, I know what she'd say.

( but Elektra is a bad influence and DOESN'T COUNT, OK )

I don't know where it is. Many of the spirits disappeared after the siren finally stopped. I couldn't track it, even if I wanted to, I've already looked.

I try not to pass judgment, Matt, but you were protecting someone. Sometimes people get carried away when they do so. It's natural.

Though, if you wish, I will still help you look for the spirit.

What was the siren? I don't believe I was close when it went off.

It happened before the newest arrivals. You weren't here, so it makes sense you don't remember.

( it also means he's that hung up on something that happened weeks ago, lol whoops. )

You don't need to responsible for what I confessed to you. ( Aziraphale, you are one weird priest, dude. Matt couldn't imagine Lantom offering to help him find a mobster he beat up for personal apologies, for example. ) I'll do what I can to find the spirit, but the damage is already done. I already chose anger over the path that he wants for me.

None of us know that, Matt. God has a plan for you, and this is only a part of it.

Are you doing something to work through your anger? Perhaps meditation or reflection would do some good. We are all very stressed. You do remember that we all died and wound up here.

I don't think you've done anything that can't be forgiven.

( well, that sounds more like Lantom, who was oddly pro-daredeviling. Matt has always struggled with the concept of a godly plan that involved being so distant from the heavenly vision the bible heralded, though he must be the way he is because God chose for him to be.

it's still hard to wrap his head around God wanting him to sin, even if there's some good to be had when he does. )

Not as long as I repent, I know. ( confessing is a part of finding forgiveness. he has to put aside his pride and admit what he's done if he hopes to be absolved of it. ) I wish his voice were more clear here. Why would he tempt us in this place where we are meant to find absolution?

I don't think God is watching.

[ At least, Heaven isn't. Otherwise, there's no way that they'd let Aziraphale live out his sentence with Crowley. And yet, he must draw his power from somewhere - Does that mean, then, that God still approves of him? That he is still a part of Her plan?

That's a lot to unpack. ]

But what is absolution if you cannot resist temptation? It isn't really a test then, is it?

[ Aziraphale knows though, if this is the case, then he will never go back. Because he doesn't regret what he did, and given the chance, he'd do it all over again. ]

Then who is?

( Purgatory isn't meant to be endless suffering. it's supposed to be a path toward something better, for souls willing to repent for the darkness they brought on their hearts. )

I suppose that's true. We need the will to choose, or it wouldn't mean anything. ( he had the will to choose... shame he chose to do the thing he wasn't supposed to, whoops!!! ) Usually my priest would give me some sort of penance, but I'm guessing you're not that type.

( you are one weird priest, Aziraphale... )

Yes, will is certainly a big part of it. And I don't know, I suppose no one. Perhaps God is watching, and it is we who are blind.

[ No, he still doesn't know Matt is blind so... whoops. ]

And I... suppose if it makes you feel better, you should try to speak to the spirits. I believe once we learn to communicate, it will make relations much smoother.

Is that alright, as far as penances go? I'm afraid I never give them, you know. I did tell you, I don't usually take confession. My dear, I'm not a priest.

[ AND THE BIGGEST WHOOPS ]

Well, at least I'm not the only one.

( HE'S GOT JOKES... but for real this is the 2nd time someone has mentioned blindness to him offhandedly, at some point he's gotta get sassy about it. )

I'll do what I can. ( it's more productive than a bunch of our fathers, so why wouldn't he give it a shot? besides we all know his ass gonna do a bunch of our fathers anyhow. )

I could gather that much. What office did you hold, something higher? ( he's very much not wrong on this, but Matt is thinking too small. like bishop or deacon. not an angel!! )

[ He totally misses this reference. ]

Yes, I think that would be most productive and honestly, I think we all are, my dear. In regards to God, at the very least.

[ He's gonna feel like total shit when he shows up to rebuild the church later. ]

I.

Suppose you could say I held a higher office.

[ Oh, he doesn't know how much longer he can keep this from Matt of all people, especially if his lies are going to need to be more and more elaborate. ]

Could you possibly keep a secret? And I think-- Yes, I think I'd prefer to tell you in person.

( it's fine, it will probably be pretty apparent within 10 seconds of meeting him..... .. . . . tho maybe not, Aziraphale hangs out w a dude that wears sunglasses all the time, it might seem normal to him!!! )

I can keep a secret. ( boy, can he... though he has to wonder why Aziraphale is asking. ) Besides, we have the seal of confession.

( wait, is that still a thing if Aziraphale isn't a priest? whoops!!! )

[ He's dumb sometimes but he ain't that dumb, don't worry, he'll figure it out. ]

Ah, well, yes, you are correct, though I'm not sure you have the obligation. Where are you? I'll come to you. It's not a large town.

[ Seal of confession is still a thing if you're confessing to an Angel! ]

I'm also a lawyer, as a breed we're rather tightlipped.

( a lawyer too loose with information wasn't a lawyer for very long. Aziraphale isn't his client and there's no court here but the POINT IS, he can keep secrets, and not just his own!!! )

The village, it's farther out than the other housing. I can meet you closer to the bonfire, just... name a place. I'm not good at giving directions.

( there's a reason for that....... wait for it )

How about Town Hall? There shouldn't be many people there at this time of day.

--And I never knew that about you. A lawyer. I suppose I should have guessed, though it hardly matters what occupations we had prior to being here.

[ Yeah yeah, he's gonna wait for it. He's also going to head out, barely remembering to lock the door. He doesn't know why he's so nervous, he's just not used to telling people. ]

( to be fair, what does a lawyer text or sound like?? probably difficult to guess he's a lawyer until he mentions it. which of course he does, bc Matt didn't pay for a Columbia education to not namedrop it all the time!!! )

I'll meet you there.

( though, considering he lives in the village, it might be more like Aziraphale will meet him there. oh well, he'll get there all the same, sunglasses and walking stick and all.

apparently you can't text like a lawyer, but Matt does still dress like one. and it's not been easy to find snazzy lawyer suits at the store, so button downs and ties is about as close as he can get. he does miss his nice tailored suits, but he has to make do. he is at least a little hesitant as he approaches, because giving a face to the struggles he admitted to is far more difficult than simply admitting them, but he's here all the same. )

Aziraphale? ( he tries, because he can tell someone is there, but honestly has no idea who it is. thankfully, a blind guy wondering if his company arrived before him is not weird at all, Matt doesn't have to admit he rightfully knows he isn't alone. )

[ Aziraphale never got texted by anyone, but he did get letters from several people pretending to be lawyers over the years, trying to accuse him of all sorts of things in order to chase him out of his prime spot in London, no doubt. So he assumes that's what lawyers are supposed to sound like over text.

I actually didn't realize this, but Aziraphale also lives in the village and now that he sees Matt coming and realizes he's blind, he feels very bad about not having said "just come over, here's my address." Still, it's a nice hall, and they're alone. ]

Matt.

[ He makes his way over and-- suddenly feels very sorry that he'd texted him all those things and that he'd casually said that they were all blind and -- oh God, he should really watch what he says. Swallowing a lump in his throat and clearing it, nevertheless, he recovers. ]

Could I shake your hand? It's lovely to meet you at last.

[ And now he's plagued with another problem - how will he get Matt to believe he's divine? With any other human he'd pop out the wings, maybe bust out the halo, do a little "let there be light," but those things were... rather visual. ]

accidentally a priest....

i stand by it

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