lunchbreaks | inbox | in the night

Oh, well. Alright.

[ He doesn't know what to do in this situation, because it isn't really one he'd encountered before. Anyone he'd been tasked to give a vision of heavenliness to, of course, took it in stride. Usually became very promising, very celebrated religious figures, pillars of their community.

He wasn't supposed to tell Matt. ]

Suppose it is, you know, not the sort of thing you hear every day.

[ Which he knows for certain, since he's practically the only angel these days who deigns be on Earth for very long. Er, was. Retirement is really not sinking in with him. ]

But-- so you see, I can ask The Almighty to forgive you. But I have prayed for you, Matt. I just. Haven't been able to reach God.

( well, it could be something a new yorker hears everyday, though it'd easy enough to rationalize it as drunken, insane ramblings from the bizarre individuals that shout from street corners. Matt has never spoken to anyone claiming to be an angel that he'd genuinely believed, even for a moment.

he isn't sure if he's convinced by Aziraphale, exactly, though he can't say he thinks he's crazy or lying. that means something, though he isn't sure what yet.

he touches his face, feeling absurdly guilty about the prospect of a literal angel praying over him. especially when his confession had lacked the sin he's committed most since his arrival, which would be the lies he tells either willfully or by lack of admission to literally everyone he has talked to. someone he's still more or less lying to right now. that might not last, not if he genuinely decides Aziraphale is a heavenly host, though that said... he's stuck on one particular. )

I don't... I don't understand. If this is purgatory, why would you be here? ( as far as Matt was aware, it was a place for mortal souls to atone. not angelic hosts. )

I.

[ Oh, this is bad. This is more information than he wanted to share. ]

It's quite a long story, really.

[ Oh no, not again. He always does this, starts something and nervously backs away when he realizes it's a bad idea.

He's getting to the part where he comes back around and leans into the bad idea. ]

But the short of it is, I might have defied Heaven. Apparently not enough to Fall, so I was... executed. By hellfire. And since I am not Fallen, nor alive, and unwelcome in Heaven, I am here instead.

I don't believe I am meant to atone. I wouldn't, anyway.

But perhaps I could still help you, and the others. I want to; you don't deserve to be here.

Executed.

( he's never heard of an angel being executed, only of an angel falling from grace quite intentionally and being cut out of the heavenly host. he's not sure what to make of that implication.

he has to wonder what Aziraphale could have done to be excommunicated from both heaven, and hell. there's one thing for sure, though, and it's that Aziraphale is somehow the more blind of the two of them, if he thinks that Matt didn't more than earn his place in purgatory. )

No, no. I deserve to be here, I do. ( Matt has already confessed plenty to Aziraphale, but the words on the tip of his tongue are clearly making him a little anxious. he doesn't talk about this, even to the people he's closest to; he'd rather lie and protect them than be honest. somehow he feels rather powerless against an angel. how do you lie to an angel? )

Back home, I... I used the gifts I was given to hurt people. And I had my reasons, I was trying to stop dangerous people that the law couldn't reach, but... that didn't make it any less of a sin, and I did it anyway. ( he's pacing a little, and his hands twitching in an anguished hint of what he's trying not to show on his face. ) Ends don't justify the means. I knew what I was doing. I deserve to be here, if this really is purgatory. But the more I'm here, the more I wonder if that's where we are.

( there are children here, plenty of people that weren't even of any faith at all. Matt isn't sure what to make of this place if it isn't purgatory, but there's starting to be more questions than answers on that front. )

You used your gifts to protect people. I don't think the Almighty gets upset over that sort of thing.

[ But he could hardly tell what She got upset over, these days. ]

And what do you mean, you aren't sure if this is purgatory?

Where else would this be? Though-- I don't know if it helps or hurts, I hadn't even realized there was a purgatory. I'd never met anyone from purgatory.

( Aziraphale, what kind of angel are you??? Matt looks stunned at the idea God doesn't get hung up on the particulars. that's what catholicism is all about, God being really intense about the particulars! )

The sanctity of life needs to be upheld. Intentionally harming someone is a sin, even if I did it to protect people.

( Matt has always 100% known this and went around breaking arms and beating faces and throwing mobsters down stairs anyway. he thought it was worth the tarnish to his immortal soul, still thinks it is even as he tries to wrap his head around this bizarre purgatory. )

I don't know. But if not even an angel can hear God's voice here, then maybe that's because this is something different. ( what, exactly, he's not sure. it's actually a bit terrifying to think about, because while he was able to accept the oddities of Beacon under the pretense of purgatory, what is he supposed to think about this place if it's not the biblically appointed waiting zone for sinners? )

[ The sanctity of life. Right. Well, in Aziraphale's experience, that's not very sacrosanct, and he's seen so many come and go. Eighty generations of life, countless wars, some having been in the Almighty's name. The Ark, the Plague, the Inquisition -- Life was, on the whole, disposable. Precious, but short. ]

If this isn't purgatory, then I haven't a clue where it might be. Though--

[ Though it wouldn't explain why he couldn't talk to Her, because She hasn't spoken to Aziraphale since the earliest of times. She had asked him about his flaming sword, and that was the last of it. He'd spoken to her a handful of times over the years to no reply, and why would She? He was a cast-out, a failure, sent to "sully" himself, as Gabriel had put it, with human inventions. ]

--Though I am sure that The Almighty knows of this place, and has an explanation that we aren't privileged to know.

( God was really bent on that fancy sword, huh? sorry, Aziraphale... anyhow, Matt doesn't have a good answer as to what this place could be in lieu of purgatory. he's been so fixated on that idea that trying to come up with an alternative solution is proving truly difficult. it's like a puzzle from a thrift store, where all the pieces seem to be present and to match only the picture is slowly starting to not make any sense.

at least he's too overly catholic to disagree that there's some place or jurisdiction God doesn't know about. all mighty and all knowing, that's god's whole deal! Matt sighs, a hint of frustration just barely lingering under the surface. )

Not knowing the plan isn't that much of a change. ( thanks God, why couldn't you just throw down some cliffs notes or s/t??? )

No, it's not. That's why it's ineffable. We can't know it, we don't have the right.

[ Yes Matt, not even the angels are aware. And for the most part, Aziraphale was cool with it. But then, you know, there was the whole Armageddon thing, and then this.

If it was a test, it was a long one. And he's certain he should have failed it awhile back, sometime between lying to Her and disobeying orders to prevent Armageddon. ]

But if you're waiting for a sign, Matt, just know that I am too.

( he's never heard the incapability of understanding omnipotence described as "ineffable", though it isn't exactly wrong. it also seems suitably british for Aziraphale. come to think, why is an angel so painfully british... what's that about... . . . . . . )

I'm not sure if I feel better or worse that an angel knows as little as I do.

( because on one hand, camaraderie. on the other hand... nobody knows anything. it's the classic way of the Lord but it gets old! )

Ah, well. I did tell you. Very low-ranking. Principality. Used to be a Cherub, that's a different story.

If you had all gotten Gabriel instead, I'm sure he would know slightly more of the Plan, perhaps. Or-- Or the Metatron.

[ He furrows his brow. ]

But they are both still alive and well, so instead.

[ He gestures a shrug as if to say, "you got me," which is so audibly palpable that even Matt could see it. ]

I assure you that angelic hierarchy doesn't mean much to me.

( which is not to say he isn't aware of it; angels and archangels and all the company of heaven, so on, so forth.

but aziraphale, remember, he's catholic. self hating as they come. you're automatically a more remarkable, incredible being than he is just based on your heavenly title. when he's not like to meet the Metatron or Gabriel any time soon, just a regular old angel is impressive enough. )

I can't say I'm glad you're here, all things considered. But I'm glad to have met you, despite the circumstances.

Yes, well, now you see why I can't assign you a penance.

[ Also, including the fact that he can't tell anyone because it would just be wrong - people had to be good because they wanted to be good, they had to have faith, that was the whole point - he also doesn't like to tell people because they tend to assign all sorts of traits to heavenly beings, namely in this case that they are all righteous. Well, okay, Gabriel might have been righteous, but he was also a huge jerk. ]

Though - I hope it is clear now what I had meant when I said I was a servant of God.

I still hope that, despite our circumstances, we can make it through this.

( Matt might have a little bit of association with an angel being a righteous being, but that'll more or less be done after Aziraphale helps run the ferry into the shore... WHICH IS GOOD HONESTLY???

he has to huff a laugh. a servant of god... well, he supposes that's still true. what a misunderstanding. ) Yes, It's clear. ( he sobers for the rest. ) We don't have much of a choice, do we?

No, you're right. The alternative could be ghastly.

[ Well, they're already dead so perhaps dying again will just lead them to the afterlife they were supposed to be in.

For Aziraphale, that means turning into stardust. But he's alright with that. ]

( hey, bright side. literally bright, for the guy turning into stardust. Matt would just go to purgatory for real this time... or hell. but probably purgatory, he can't actually hate himself into hell.

...right? )

We can do some good here. I believe that, I do, no matter what brought us here.

We'll have to start with the church, and then... go from there, I suppose.

--Do we know what happened to it? It was... pretty quick.

[ One day there, the next day a pile of rubble. It would take a lot of power to do that.

Or. Someone with super strength. ]

Some people are claiming a spirit did it, but I doubt it. There's signs it was done with a weapon.

( aka Matt isn't buying that. he thinks Someone did it, he just isn't sure who yet. let's hope he never finds out, that would never go anywhere good. )

Oh? Did you go check?

[ How would Matt even know such a thing... ]

It looked to me as if it had been smashed from the outside.

I’m there every day. Even for a blind man, I’m bound to notice if the place is torn to pieces.

( and hey now, Aziraphale, don’t make assumptions — he hadn’t even used super senses to figure that one out. just by finding the gouges in the wood and walls. too consistent for blunt trauma or spirit claws. )

I don’t think so, but I wasn’t there. I can’t say for certain. ( but he’s certain enough that he’s not like to be convinced it was an act of nature or spirit shenanigans. )

I can go take a closer look. Perhaps there's something to investigate.

I did say I'd hate to rebuild it only to have someone tear it down a second time.

[ Waste everyone's time and hard work. Especially since he'll be needing hands for the ferry... ]

The question is, is it worth investigating, and what would you do if you found the answer?

( Matt has super considered trying to track down who did it. and he's very good at that sort of thing, when he wants to know. that said, what the hell is he going to do if he finds out? put on a ski mask and punch out a stranger? mildly tempting, but probably foolish, considering the destruction wrought on the church.

and beyond that, starting a vendetta isn't going to help the objective or the group. rationally, he knows that. it isn't going to help anyone to know what sacrilegious asshole destroyed the church. truth be told, at this point he doesn't want to know. it'd only complicate things if he did. )

I don't have any leads for you, if you mean to find out. Only that someone used a weapon, probably metal. They'd have to be quite strong to tear up wood and walls with something like that.

Metal... who would have access to a weapon like that?

And it was all torn down at once... must've either been something very large or someone with quite a lot of stamina. I hadn't found any metal fragments, so I don't think it was an explosion-- I mean, we would've heard it.

[ Anyway, back to Matt's original question: ]

I suppose I'd just have to talk to them and ask why they felt the need to destroy the church, and perhaps see if they could possibly direct their anger elsewhere.

[ Matt... what answer were you expecting? ]

( not a surprising answer, ultimately. though, just having a stern talk with someone willing to destroy a church in a fit of passion seems like a waste of energy. Matt doesn't see it going anywhere. he doesn't see much success in him sniffing out the responsible party, either — and he'd be tempted to do a lot more than just talk if he figured out who did it. )

At this point, I think we'd be better off fixing what we can of the church. Maybe I'm wrong and it was a spirit. It wouldn't be the first time they used their abilities to toy with us.

Well, yes, we'll build and rebuild as necessary.

Won't do if we just... let it be destroyed. And the poor spirit who lives underneath...

--But what do you mean? What have they done before?

[ Is this about the attacking thing again? ]

(no subject)

catholicisms - 2019-10-27 21:18 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

lunchbreaks - 2019-10-27 23:17 (UTC) - Expand