lunchbreaks | inbox | in the night

[ Well, usually this is the part where he'd perform a small miracle or something, except that he'd rarely ever done this before.

He supposes that, should this not work out, he could always just have Matt believe this is all a dream, and then carry him back to the village and tuck him into bed. Would that work? Matt having a nap in the middle of the day. Ah, he'd have to throw in some persuasions that he'd been exhausted--

--But he's getting ahead of himself. No, he thinks, erasing someone's memories is really a rude thing to do. Deep breath in. Okay, Aziraphale, you can do this. ]

Well, that is because all angels have them, you see.

Mine aren't particularly special. In fact, I haven't groomed them for some time, you must pardon the mess.

[ He worries his hands together as he explains: ]

It's just. Quite a cruel charade, I think, to make you believe I'm ordained.

( Matt would have never implied Aziraphale's feathers to be out of order. in fact they're unbelievably fine and perfect, and while Matt hasn't touched a great deal of feathered creatures, the comparison doesn't even seem fair. he's brokenly stunned and marveling, wordless, for long enough to leave one worried he's in some sort of shock. )

A... an angel. ( Matt is incredibly well spoken and rarely finds himself speechless. this is really saying something that he doesn't exactly know what to say. he is a devout man, it is not that he doesn't believe in angels. he does, frightful and powerful and incomprehensible things, always at a distance from the tainted and failed remnants of humanity.

it doesn't make much sense that an angel would be in purgatory. it also makes no sense that an angel would behave like Aziraphale. Matt does not much know what to make of the suggestion, and part of him is reviled by the idea someone would try and play his own faith against him, and the other is quietly stunned by the reality he has no particular argument why this stranger has wings, plenty of theological knowledge, and doesn't give any obvious tells that he's lying or manipulating when he makes a bald-faced claim to be an angel.

Matt takes his hands away, suddenly, and they fidget at his sides anxiously instead. )

You never claimed to be, I just... misunderstood. ( he confessed something truly terrible to a literal angel. that's his life right now. ) You're quite the higher order, indeed.

--Ah, I wouldn't say that. I'm a pricipality, so. Not very high up the chain, I'm afraid.

I was-- demoted, actually, it's quite a long story, you probably already know it. Flaming sword, guarding Eden, sort of let a wily snake in... Complete accident, you see, but it turned out for the better, you know, because. Well. Humanity has done quite nicely for itself, if I must say.

[ No lies here. He is, however, only rambling a bit because clearly he's had this sort of bottled up for the last six thousand years and it's... It's so nice to finally let it all out, especially to a man of faith. ]

Am I-- I really don't mean to upset you, and I know you don't believe it was a lie but keeping the truth, I think, from you. I just couldn't anymore.

[ Does that make him cowardly? Maybe this was a bad idea. ]

--I'm sorry, is this too much?

I'd say any heirarchy of angel is a bit above priesthood. ( don't downplay your standing, Aziraphale, Matt is a mix of terrified and awed. and the tiniest bit doubtful and unsure he's actually awake right now, but, give him a break!! he's meeting an angel, this is a lot for his poor irish catholic heart!

where is his rosary when he NEEDS ONE...

it's one thing to be an angel, another entirely to imply you're the one that guarded the garden of Eden. Matt is trying to process and sort of failing. he takes off his sunglasses to rub at his face, shaking his head. ) I'm not upset, I just... it's a lot to take in. ( for all his life, his faith had been metaphysical. that's the whole thing about faith, right? you have to just believe, with nothing concrete to support it. with no answer from on high, no reassuring word that your faith was justified, no matter how badly you wanted one.

it's a lot to grapple with some kind of proof, right under your fingertips. Matt's too overwhelmed to try and create other potential solutions, like Aziraphale being a madman with wings trying to confuse him, in the moment it feels quite real.

and of course, the literal callout post with his name on it makes Matt grimace. if it's wrong to keep the truth from people, then he's been guilty of that since arrival, and note how he had no confession on that front. ) No. I'm just trying to understand. That's all.

Oh, well. Alright.

[ He doesn't know what to do in this situation, because it isn't really one he'd encountered before. Anyone he'd been tasked to give a vision of heavenliness to, of course, took it in stride. Usually became very promising, very celebrated religious figures, pillars of their community.

He wasn't supposed to tell Matt. ]

Suppose it is, you know, not the sort of thing you hear every day.

[ Which he knows for certain, since he's practically the only angel these days who deigns be on Earth for very long. Er, was. Retirement is really not sinking in with him. ]

But-- so you see, I can ask The Almighty to forgive you. But I have prayed for you, Matt. I just. Haven't been able to reach God.

( well, it could be something a new yorker hears everyday, though it'd easy enough to rationalize it as drunken, insane ramblings from the bizarre individuals that shout from street corners. Matt has never spoken to anyone claiming to be an angel that he'd genuinely believed, even for a moment.

he isn't sure if he's convinced by Aziraphale, exactly, though he can't say he thinks he's crazy or lying. that means something, though he isn't sure what yet.

he touches his face, feeling absurdly guilty about the prospect of a literal angel praying over him. especially when his confession had lacked the sin he's committed most since his arrival, which would be the lies he tells either willfully or by lack of admission to literally everyone he has talked to. someone he's still more or less lying to right now. that might not last, not if he genuinely decides Aziraphale is a heavenly host, though that said... he's stuck on one particular. )

I don't... I don't understand. If this is purgatory, why would you be here? ( as far as Matt was aware, it was a place for mortal souls to atone. not angelic hosts. )

I.

[ Oh, this is bad. This is more information than he wanted to share. ]

It's quite a long story, really.

[ Oh no, not again. He always does this, starts something and nervously backs away when he realizes it's a bad idea.

He's getting to the part where he comes back around and leans into the bad idea. ]

But the short of it is, I might have defied Heaven. Apparently not enough to Fall, so I was... executed. By hellfire. And since I am not Fallen, nor alive, and unwelcome in Heaven, I am here instead.

I don't believe I am meant to atone. I wouldn't, anyway.

But perhaps I could still help you, and the others. I want to; you don't deserve to be here.

Executed.

( he's never heard of an angel being executed, only of an angel falling from grace quite intentionally and being cut out of the heavenly host. he's not sure what to make of that implication.

he has to wonder what Aziraphale could have done to be excommunicated from both heaven, and hell. there's one thing for sure, though, and it's that Aziraphale is somehow the more blind of the two of them, if he thinks that Matt didn't more than earn his place in purgatory. )

No, no. I deserve to be here, I do. ( Matt has already confessed plenty to Aziraphale, but the words on the tip of his tongue are clearly making him a little anxious. he doesn't talk about this, even to the people he's closest to; he'd rather lie and protect them than be honest. somehow he feels rather powerless against an angel. how do you lie to an angel? )

Back home, I... I used the gifts I was given to hurt people. And I had my reasons, I was trying to stop dangerous people that the law couldn't reach, but... that didn't make it any less of a sin, and I did it anyway. ( he's pacing a little, and his hands twitching in an anguished hint of what he's trying not to show on his face. ) Ends don't justify the means. I knew what I was doing. I deserve to be here, if this really is purgatory. But the more I'm here, the more I wonder if that's where we are.

( there are children here, plenty of people that weren't even of any faith at all. Matt isn't sure what to make of this place if it isn't purgatory, but there's starting to be more questions than answers on that front. )

You used your gifts to protect people. I don't think the Almighty gets upset over that sort of thing.

[ But he could hardly tell what She got upset over, these days. ]

And what do you mean, you aren't sure if this is purgatory?

Where else would this be? Though-- I don't know if it helps or hurts, I hadn't even realized there was a purgatory. I'd never met anyone from purgatory.

( Aziraphale, what kind of angel are you??? Matt looks stunned at the idea God doesn't get hung up on the particulars. that's what catholicism is all about, God being really intense about the particulars! )

The sanctity of life needs to be upheld. Intentionally harming someone is a sin, even if I did it to protect people.

( Matt has always 100% known this and went around breaking arms and beating faces and throwing mobsters down stairs anyway. he thought it was worth the tarnish to his immortal soul, still thinks it is even as he tries to wrap his head around this bizarre purgatory. )

I don't know. But if not even an angel can hear God's voice here, then maybe that's because this is something different. ( what, exactly, he's not sure. it's actually a bit terrifying to think about, because while he was able to accept the oddities of Beacon under the pretense of purgatory, what is he supposed to think about this place if it's not the biblically appointed waiting zone for sinners? )

[ The sanctity of life. Right. Well, in Aziraphale's experience, that's not very sacrosanct, and he's seen so many come and go. Eighty generations of life, countless wars, some having been in the Almighty's name. The Ark, the Plague, the Inquisition -- Life was, on the whole, disposable. Precious, but short. ]

If this isn't purgatory, then I haven't a clue where it might be. Though--

[ Though it wouldn't explain why he couldn't talk to Her, because She hasn't spoken to Aziraphale since the earliest of times. She had asked him about his flaming sword, and that was the last of it. He'd spoken to her a handful of times over the years to no reply, and why would She? He was a cast-out, a failure, sent to "sully" himself, as Gabriel had put it, with human inventions. ]

--Though I am sure that The Almighty knows of this place, and has an explanation that we aren't privileged to know.

( God was really bent on that fancy sword, huh? sorry, Aziraphale... anyhow, Matt doesn't have a good answer as to what this place could be in lieu of purgatory. he's been so fixated on that idea that trying to come up with an alternative solution is proving truly difficult. it's like a puzzle from a thrift store, where all the pieces seem to be present and to match only the picture is slowly starting to not make any sense.

at least he's too overly catholic to disagree that there's some place or jurisdiction God doesn't know about. all mighty and all knowing, that's god's whole deal! Matt sighs, a hint of frustration just barely lingering under the surface. )

Not knowing the plan isn't that much of a change. ( thanks God, why couldn't you just throw down some cliffs notes or s/t??? )

No, it's not. That's why it's ineffable. We can't know it, we don't have the right.

[ Yes Matt, not even the angels are aware. And for the most part, Aziraphale was cool with it. But then, you know, there was the whole Armageddon thing, and then this.

If it was a test, it was a long one. And he's certain he should have failed it awhile back, sometime between lying to Her and disobeying orders to prevent Armageddon. ]

But if you're waiting for a sign, Matt, just know that I am too.

( he's never heard the incapability of understanding omnipotence described as "ineffable", though it isn't exactly wrong. it also seems suitably british for Aziraphale. come to think, why is an angel so painfully british... what's that about... . . . . . . )

I'm not sure if I feel better or worse that an angel knows as little as I do.

( because on one hand, camaraderie. on the other hand... nobody knows anything. it's the classic way of the Lord but it gets old! )

Ah, well. I did tell you. Very low-ranking. Principality. Used to be a Cherub, that's a different story.

If you had all gotten Gabriel instead, I'm sure he would know slightly more of the Plan, perhaps. Or-- Or the Metatron.

[ He furrows his brow. ]

But they are both still alive and well, so instead.

[ He gestures a shrug as if to say, "you got me," which is so audibly palpable that even Matt could see it. ]

I assure you that angelic hierarchy doesn't mean much to me.

( which is not to say he isn't aware of it; angels and archangels and all the company of heaven, so on, so forth.

but aziraphale, remember, he's catholic. self hating as they come. you're automatically a more remarkable, incredible being than he is just based on your heavenly title. when he's not like to meet the Metatron or Gabriel any time soon, just a regular old angel is impressive enough. )

I can't say I'm glad you're here, all things considered. But I'm glad to have met you, despite the circumstances.

Yes, well, now you see why I can't assign you a penance.

[ Also, including the fact that he can't tell anyone because it would just be wrong - people had to be good because they wanted to be good, they had to have faith, that was the whole point - he also doesn't like to tell people because they tend to assign all sorts of traits to heavenly beings, namely in this case that they are all righteous. Well, okay, Gabriel might have been righteous, but he was also a huge jerk. ]

Though - I hope it is clear now what I had meant when I said I was a servant of God.

I still hope that, despite our circumstances, we can make it through this.

( Matt might have a little bit of association with an angel being a righteous being, but that'll more or less be done after Aziraphale helps run the ferry into the shore... WHICH IS GOOD HONESTLY???

he has to huff a laugh. a servant of god... well, he supposes that's still true. what a misunderstanding. ) Yes, It's clear. ( he sobers for the rest. ) We don't have much of a choice, do we?

No, you're right. The alternative could be ghastly.

[ Well, they're already dead so perhaps dying again will just lead them to the afterlife they were supposed to be in.

For Aziraphale, that means turning into stardust. But he's alright with that. ]

( hey, bright side. literally bright, for the guy turning into stardust. Matt would just go to purgatory for real this time... or hell. but probably purgatory, he can't actually hate himself into hell.

...right? )

We can do some good here. I believe that, I do, no matter what brought us here.

We'll have to start with the church, and then... go from there, I suppose.

--Do we know what happened to it? It was... pretty quick.

[ One day there, the next day a pile of rubble. It would take a lot of power to do that.

Or. Someone with super strength. ]

Some people are claiming a spirit did it, but I doubt it. There's signs it was done with a weapon.

( aka Matt isn't buying that. he thinks Someone did it, he just isn't sure who yet. let's hope he never finds out, that would never go anywhere good. )

Oh? Did you go check?

[ How would Matt even know such a thing... ]

It looked to me as if it had been smashed from the outside.

I’m there every day. Even for a blind man, I’m bound to notice if the place is torn to pieces.

( and hey now, Aziraphale, don’t make assumptions — he hadn’t even used super senses to figure that one out. just by finding the gouges in the wood and walls. too consistent for blunt trauma or spirit claws. )

I don’t think so, but I wasn’t there. I can’t say for certain. ( but he’s certain enough that he’s not like to be convinced it was an act of nature or spirit shenanigans. )

I can go take a closer look. Perhaps there's something to investigate.

I did say I'd hate to rebuild it only to have someone tear it down a second time.

[ Waste everyone's time and hard work. Especially since he'll be needing hands for the ferry... ]

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